Well, life went on.
My husband and I both worked, took care of our kids, paid bills. Upon outside observation we looked like a “normal” couple. We were comfortable with one another and there was obviously love shared between us. I would even venture to say that we were both happy.
But did I want to be with a man that saw nothing special when he looked at me? Those words, more or less, had been spoken to me in my past by someone important in my life. Did that make my husband’s words truer I mused.
I knew that the choice was mine to agree or disagree with what he had said. The real question was could I let it go? Could I forgive him? And would forgiveness make it easier to forget not just the words, but how they made me feel when I was with him?
Holding on to past hurts allows them to direct your life from behind the scenes. Keeping the reality of your pain from those around you and worse from yourself. A person just can’t decide never to think of it, or feel the power it has over them, ever again. There will be things that trigger you whether you want to face the event again or not. Your heart palpitations, anxiety, headaches, hair loss, and sleeplessness will let you know that you have not done the work.
Acknowledge Your Pain
The first, and hardest, step is acknowledgment. Why is this the hardest step? Because when you acknowledge your pain then that means that you must feel it. People will do all kinds of things to avoid emotional pain. Things like working, exercising, or eating in excess. They might become addicted to gambling, sex, or drugs.
The worst of all? To not express any feelings at all. You don’t want to give anyone the idea that you are not okay and need help. That you are anything other than the most normal person ever.
That was me. I kept my depression, anxiety, and heart palpitations to myself.
Of course, before I would admit that my mental health was suffering, I went to see a doctor. I was sure I was dying. I had everything checked out. Of course, every test came back normal. I was the picture of health.
The Beginning of Letting Go
My husband’s words had become my introduction and everywhere we went together my internal conversation was very negative to say the least. This negativity was blinding me to the truth. That I brought a lot to the marriage; I was a good woman, and I was worthy of unconditional love. I felt so confident…when I wasn’t with him.
Why do we feel so whole when we are single and so fractured when we are attached? Why do we place our true selves in someone else’s hands for them to shape and mold to their liking?
Well, the relationship that you have with yourself is manifested in your romantic relationships. If you are lost to begin with, there is a great chance that you will step into a dysfunctional relationship as easily as stepping on a boat over turbulent waters. And it will feel pretty good, at least in the beginning.
So, I was creating a familiar setting based on my past. That’s when I had an epiphany. If my negative thoughts could affect my body this way, then I could improve my physical and emotional health by simply practicing positivity.
I couldn’t change his viewpoint, so I would have to change the beliefs that I assigned to his words. And that became the beginning of letting go.
“Take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame.”
Erica Jong
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