I had acknowledged my pain and…
unhappiness with his declaration, but I did not know that I was holding on to anger and resentment as well. However, my body did. As I laid out in post number four, the harms of holding on to past hurts can wreak havoc on your body, mind, and spirit.
I wanted to let go of the past, but how could I when it was holding on to me so tightly by the very fact that he simply refused to talk about it. He still couldn’t understand why it bothered me so much.
After previously deciding that I would have to change my perspective, I quickly stepped back into my delusional thinking. I tried to live as if nothing had happened, as if nothing hurtful was said, because he was telling me it was nothing.
Yet, by ignoring my feelings I was allowing the negativity to fester, multiply, and slowly poison my body.
Unexpressed Anger
Unexpressed anger will express itself whether you want it to or not. Suddenly, in public, you are overreacting to perceived slights of the smallest degree. In private, you argue with your partner over trivial things because you are not talking about what does matter.
Or you publicly give the impression that you are a strong, independent woman that would never let a man disrespect you in any way. And if that was the case, then you are the kind of woman that would have the strength to leave. Your public persona is so strong that no one can dispute that, not your family or your closest friends.
That was me. Everyone must think that I had a perfect marriage, but on the inside my spirit was in distress and my body was paying the price. I kept my anger to myself, and it turned into bitterness.
Quick note, there is no such thing as perfection, only the need for everyone to think you are perfect.
So, it was during this time that I began taking quick glimpses of what was inside of me.
How did it serve me to be a bitter person? Well, holding on to my anger kept me fired up all the time and that made me feel stronger. But I wasn’t strong, I was just mean. Mean to him. And I just came off so pathetic and negative in my eyes. I didn’t want to be with me.
I asked myself what is strength really? A weapon or a truce? A sword or a flag?
My Own Worst Enemy
Contemplating this, I realized that I was my own worst enemy and I was destroying myself with my bitterness. I was beginning to see that what he thought about me was irrelevant. I needed to be my own advocate.
So, I began to exercise my backbone and express any discontent, practicing civility and logic in the process so it wouldn’t become about my crazy.
Trying to stay calm so that I could see each moment for what it was: an opportunity to really see what he was showing me rather than what he was telling me to be true.
I needed to use my anger to grind out the bitterness by getting it out of my system.
I needed to work on becoming a better person for myself whether I decided to stay in my marriage or walk away.
“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.”
Maya Angelou
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