When I was growing up…
we had a lot of gatherings with extended family. I remember feeling immersed and enveloped within this sea of invisible connecting currents.
That all changed when I was around nine or ten years old.
I began to notice the difference between me and my cousins. They were told by many adult family members how pretty they were. It was impossible for me not to connect what the adult’s weren’t saying to me to what they thought of me.
It was the first time that I remember looking at my reflection and noticing how big my nose was compared to the others cute little button noses.
That was the beginning of feeling different.
This sentiment continued in high school, enough said. College was better. In my experience most students focused on what one could do rather than how a person looked.
Adult relationships were hard for me. I abandoned old friendships and quickly discouraged new relationships for fear that they would eventually see and point out my flaws.
Confidence in yourself, and a healthy self-esteem, is a mainstay in any type of relationship. You have to believe that you have something to offer such as humor, intelligence, integrity, conversation, a ready ear, you know, all the good stuff. And the friend or love interest should see value in what you have to offer. Simple.
Also, confidence and self-esteem will give you the awareness to recognize qualities in others that will enhance and enrich your life. As well as the strength to move on from ones that are not congruent with who you are and/or who you want to be.
You Have to Do Your Own Growing
I was so lacking in self-esteem that the thought of being successful, authentic, loved, valued, and confident didn’t even exist in my mind. Yes, I worked, went to school, took care of myself, but deep inside I felt undeserving.
I didn’t know how to emulate positivity and it was obvious to me that it wasn’t going to rub off from others onto me. I had to find it from within. Just like you can’t change anybody. Nobody can change you. You have to do your own growing.
A not so nice side effect to believing that others judge you on a physical level is that you may find yourself subconsciously judging others. I came to the realization that I was judging pretty girls before getting to know them.
At one retail job of mine pretty much all of the girls were physically attractive. And although I was super insecure about myself, I decided to make an effort to see beyond that. And it turned out that most of them were so sweet and kindhearted that it made them beautiful. Needless to say, there were a few others whose attitude made them ugly.
It was clear. If I could learn to see past their appearances, then I was going to have to learn to see beyond mine.
More Than What I Saw in the Mirror
So, connecting with myself began by acknowledging that I was more than what I saw in the mirror. I practiced looking at myself as if I were looking at someone I loved. The keyword here is practiced. It was not always an easy thing to do.
If we just relate to our human form, our physical appearance, then we are doing our souls a disservice. We are spiritual beings. The vehicle in which we arrived here was not in our control, why do we give it so much importance?
Here is what I think. If you don’t like something about your appearance then fix it, change it. Making sure your motivation is not what someone else thinks you should do. Once it’s done it will miraculously leave your consciousness leaving you to focus on your life.
Work on inner developments like learning, creativity, spirituality. Exercise, although this one is physical, taking care of your body is showing gratitude for what your body can do and this pleases your soul. Being of service to others, and countless other endeavors.
And remember just because you have fixed something on the outside doesn’t mean that those limiting beliefs that were attached to it will go away, they have to be worked on too. I encourage therapy to work it all out that way your inside and outside will be in harmony.
Best of luck!
P.s. seeing yourself beyond your appearance will allow you to see others in a more compassionate way as well.
“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”
Buddha
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