I used to think…
that I wanted to be beautiful and at the center of everyone’s attention. I believed that that would be indisputable proof that I was worthy of love and that I mattered in this world.
That being said. I am an introvert and a homebody at heart. I don’t like crowds. Or groups. I enjoy solitude and a quiet space.
After my surgery, without even realizing it, my confidence had improved just enough that I was able to act on my need to have some kind of human contact/interaction. Like a quick conversation with the cashier at Walmart, or someone in line at the post office. It gave me just enough confidence to connect with others if I felt compelled to do so.
And although that is nice from time to time, I now realize that the surgery didn’t change me at the core of who I am.
Still an Introvert
So, if I was beautiful, I would still be an introvert, and how would I handle the borage of uninvited attention that surely would come my way?
I’ve seen attractive women out there who shrink back from this unwanted attention. They ignore it, avoid it, and sometimes retaliate against it. And then they are given the infamous female label: Bitch.
Nobody wants to feel trapped, objectified, and stripped of their space and privacy.
You might see this as a “sour grapes” situation whereby one decides that they don’t need something simply because they can’t have it.
I assure you that is not the case. I know myself better than I ever have before, and the spotlight is just not for me.
All That Matters
To be honest there are times when I search out attention. And in these moments, it feels so wrong because it’s my insecurity that needs stroking. Once I acknowledge that, then I can step out of that state of mind and move on to self-care.
In those moments I feel how lonely it can be to need attention.
However, it you want attention that can be empowering because you are holding on to the reigns. Tell someone you feel safe with how you feel and what you would like to experience: a conversation, a day together, advice, whatever it is that you require to re-set, re-balance.
I was and still am used to no one noticing me at all. It used to matter. All that matters to me now is if the ones that I love see me. And even if they don’t sometimes, it’s okay, because I see me.
There are pros and cons to everything. You cannot choose all the pros and leave the cons behind. If it’s right for you then the cons won’t matter.
“All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.”
James Thurber
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