At that moment…
when he declared that I was average looking, I was crushed. The second time he said it, I was numb.
It took me years to get angry. The love I felt for him had put up some kind of preternatural barrier rendering me truly blind.
And now I think that maybe what I felt wasn’t love at all. It was fear of being alone, not for loneliness’s sake, rather fear of having to face myself.
I feared my strength. I feared my wild thoughts of independence because they contradicted who I was told I was. Furthermore, what I could accomplish in this world.
Very powerful decrees they were as even now I am doubting myself, my intentions, and my worth.
The one thing that kept me and still keeps me going is having something to focus on outside of my relationship. Outside of my doubts and insecurities.
Going Back to School
So, I went back to school. I was thirty years old when I began college. I had to stand in front of strangers and speak. And many times, I wanted to quit, to hide. I didn’t like people looking at me. So, I started focusing on what I was saying and/or doing. And not on what I thought they were thinking.
Somebody once told me that when we obsess over something we said or did wrong in the past, we are the only ones who remember it. Everyone else has forgotten. Everyone else has moved on.
Going back to school taught me that there was more to a person than just their appearance. So much more.
Circling back to my anger and resentment. I was angry with myself for believing that, as a woman, I had to wait to be chosen. And I resented my husband for always focusing on what I was lacking in. It was a magic trick. What is it called? Misdirection. He had me obsessing over my faults and imperfections so I wouldn’t notice his.
After the veil lifted, I could see things clearly, and the mystery dissipated. The answers were right in front of me; I would need to take responsibility for the part I played in our dysfunctional marriage, and I was responsible for my own happiness.
So, yes, honor your feelings. Experience the anger and resentment that you feel. And then let it go. Because if you don’t, they will weigh you down like an addiction. It will control your life.
Then with all this new perspective, choose your life, don’t let it choose you.
“Anger is just anger. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It’s like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice.”
Jim Butcher, White Night
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