Honesty is valued…
in the workplace, when doing your taxes, and very important when responding to your doctor’s or dentist questions about your health. However, honesty may not be beneficial in some situations. Like, if asked by your parents what time you really got in the night before (you’re over 21)
Dishonesty can be unwise if you lied to your employer about possessing knowledge or skill to do the job you were hired for. And depending on the truth, as children, we are either scolded or lauded for being honest. Yes, I ate all the cookies and no, I shouldn’t have told Aunt Carol her new outfit was ugly, Lol.
There are countless situations in life where a lie can be good, expected, merciful, bad, or devastating. Why is lying okay, and even expected, in some situations and not okay in others. And does what you lie about and who the lie involves say something bad or good about your character? Can telling the truth be wrong?
Compelled to be “Honest”
I’ve been with my husband almost thirty years so it’s accurate to say that I know him better than he knows himself. In the beginning I had to rely on my intuition to know when he was not being entirely truthful with me, but with the advent of technology, I have been able to prove that he has lied to me. And, yes, he knows about my sleuthing.
Here’s the thing. Why did he feel compelled to be “honest” with me about his opinion of what he thought my physical rating was, but keep other things from me? I never asked him if he thought I was pretty, yet he offered it. I asked him where he was all day on a Saturday, and he flat out lied. Hmmm, interesting.
Does telling a lie, if it’s designed to spare feelings, help someone, or doesn’t hurt anybody at all, still be considered a lie?
Is Honesty a Virtue?
After talking to my husband about why he felt compelled to lie to me, he explained his motivation, and I understood. I didn’t like it. But I understood. We hashed out our feelings until there was a little more understanding on each other’s part.
As far as telling me that he thought I was average looking, he has apologized a thousand times. I have accepted his apology, no buts. However, I feel that real love blurs your vision. It’s not any kind of lie if you tell someone that you think they’re beautiful, even if no one else thinks so, because that’s how you really feel.
Conversely, if you don’t think they are beautiful, is your honesty a virtue or are you being heartless because that’s not where your heart is? Or are you subconsciously trying to control the relationship dynamic because of your fears and insecurities?
Is It Honesty or Spite?
You know how people call in to radio stations to get help with a relationship issue? Well, this woman’s BF was ghosting her after she surprised him with a trip to another country. So, she called him using the station’s telephone number and of course he answered. She did not tell him he was on the radio, live. Without being prompted she asked him if the reason he might be upset with her was, “Because I told you that your “P” is not as big as my ex’s?” Wow! She should have never shared that with him much less on a radio station. He responded with “thanks by the way for bringing that up again.”
Was it okay because she was being honest? No! She took him down a notch for what reason? To lift herself up because before him she had “better”? He handled it with, I think, maturity. But most guys would have just hung up.
How about Justin Bieber’s song Sorry with the following lyrics “You gotta go and get angry at all of my honesty” What the heck. I would love to know what he said to her (he was dating Selena Gomez) And then her song That Same Old Love: “Take away your things and go. You can’t take back what you said.”
What Is the Intention Behind the Lie?
In both situations there was a serious disconnect. I don’t know what lies in the space between, but it was not love.
So, it all comes down to intention. A lie, the truth, your truth, a white lie, your heart, or lack thereof, will guide you.
When you truly love someone, you are only capable of seeing the best parts of them. If the one you’re with disappoints you aesthetically, they are not the one for you. Feel free to go find someone you think will be a better match for you.
Good luck! (sarcasm)
“Honesty is the cruelest game of all, because not only can you hurt someone – and hurt them to the bone – you can feel self-righteous about it at the same time.”
Dave Van Ronk
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