It was easier to believe…
that my relationship was as good as it looked on the outside than looking at myself because my marriage was a distraction that took me away from what I was afraid to let matter: me.
Ignoring myself and placing his needs, wants, and requirements above mine allowed me to be the martyr, the victim who would only require sympathy, pity, understanding, and open arms. I didn’t have to do anything.
I was expert at denying myself attention in any form like compassion, self-care, or companionship. And at that time in our relationship, he was incapable of anything outside of himself.
Unfortunately, what I did find was other women who thrived on commiseration which only served as a temporary distraction.
An Opportunity Missed
Ironically, the women that I had chosen to bond with and complain to (venting without taking action to better our situations or outlook) eventually became tired of one another! We all knew that this group was going nowhere.
I can see now that not only did we judge one another, but we were unknowingly filled with disgust and disappointment towards ourselves but didn’t recognize it. We just knew that being around each other did not feel good.
Personally, I was tired of presenting the worst of me, by way of rehashing something that I had forgiven him of, to these ladies and keeping the best of me hidden away for fear of rejection. What an opportunity we missed out on.
The Truth
Okay, so what was the truth about our relationship? The truth was that we should have never dated or stayed together, even after we had kids. We knew that we weren’t compatible from the beginning. I never really listened to Tina Turner’s song What’s Love Got to Do with It. Now I know that love is not all you need. It’s so clear to me now that we both had some growing up to do. And we shouldn’t have slept together before getting to know one another.
The first five years of our relationship were rocky. However, each time we broke up I became stronger, and I think the fact that I didn’t need him opened his eyes to what he wanted and what he lost. After breaking up and getting back together many times, somehow, we eventually made it work. Mind you it took another decade for us to really see each other. Love is easy. A life together takes a lot of work.
But here we are. Thirty plus years later. And the funny thing is, is that we are both happy to see the other one at the end of the day. We make each other laugh, and I can’t imagine my life without him. I never needed him, or anyone else to validate my feelings or my worth.
I had to learn that I taught him, and anyone else that I encountered in my life, how to treat, value, and love me by first ignoring and dismissing my own value and needs.
If you are resigned to being unhappy that is fine, but it is irresponsible for you to spread it around.
Negativity makes your world very small. Positivity, on the other hand, renders it limitless.
“We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are.”
The Talmud
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