I was taught to stay…
through the good times and despite the worst of times, furthermore, that it was my lot to endure…as a wife.
A friend once asked me why don’t you leave? My response at the time was that I wasn’t in harm’s way, my kids were safe. Everything was good.
Privately, I would ask myself, “What if my heart is in danger.” Was the condition of my heart valid reason enough to justify the potential collateral damage?
Dr. Phil McGraw once said that if you have children, you have an obligation, a responsibility to make it work with any kind of abuse as the exception.
So, that’s what I did. Ignoring my sad heart in the process. I gave him the benefit of the doubt (would love to know where that phrase originated from)
And while it’s okay to side on the positive, for your own sanity, do not ignore your intuition.
We Try to Silence What We Know
Your intuition is most powerful when you learn to see what your gut is telling you.
You would think, if you feel a sense of danger, that you would remove yourself from the situation. Would you still if what you see is telling you that everything appears to be normal? We try to rationalize our intuition away. We try to silence what we know.
In relationships we see what we want to feel, what we hope to feel, and ignore what our intuition is plainly telling us. What keeps us blinded? Emotions. Emotional attachment. We see what we want to see, we see what they are telling us to see, we see what we hope to see, because we love them. Our love has rendered us blind.
That is why it is so easy to spot the wrong guy when he’s dating your best friend yet be clueless when he is sitting right next to you.
Speaking My Peace
T.D. Jakes once said, “Don’t let what you see be distorted by what you think.”
So, I gave him the benefit of the doubt to keep the peace, because I couldn’t count on what I thought. All I had was what I felt.
When I first started this journey, it was because of what the erosion of the love I had for him revealed to me. I wasn’t sure if I was falling out of love with him or that I was learning to love me more, or both. But without my pain, sadness, anger, dissatisfaction present, I could somehow be present. I stopped taking everything personally and looked at the source by taking myself out of the equation.
I struggled to keep myself from being swallowed up by my emotions. Reminding myself that these reactive emotions were created by my history and my baggage. I had to take care not to make how he felt how I felt as well.
It didn’t matter what he did or didn’t do. I had to speak my peace, as peacefully as possible, and act accordingly.
I’m Listening Now
I learned to rely on my strength instead of expecting him to hold me up. Learned to get what I needed from others instead of expecting him to satisfy every want and need by investing my time in others whom I had more in common with.
I chose to give him what I hoped to receive from him like affection, companionship, a conversation.
In the beginning, I knew we weren’t compatible. I ignored my gut feeling that if I proceeded with the relationship that I was going to get hurt. That’s exactly what happened. I’m listening now.
When interacting with a loved one, friend, or stranger alike be present no matter if the moment is peaceful or confrontational, resist the urge to insert your story into the situation, and observe without any emotional baggage. No one owes you respect. And don’t inadvertently take their baggage with you, self-respect is the only thing you should be walking away with.
It’s like that movie Wanted with Angelina Jolie. Everything slows down, and yes, you can see what is right in front of you.
“The eyes shout what the lips fear to say.”
William Henry
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