At this point in my marriage…
I was broken. We were like two ships in the night. Or maybe he was a ship, and I was the iceberg waiting to break him open. I can see now that I was stuck in the ice, and he was unbreakable. Because it wasn’t my job to make him communicate.
We were about eight years in. I had perfected my roles of wife and mother. Still, I felt like I needed to get out of that space before the walls caved in effectively crushing me forever, or at least for a very long time.
So, I enrolled at a nearby community college where aside from book learning I discovered that I was a capable, determined, valuable person who was judged by what was in my brain.
I had to see my value on the inside before I could feel good about myself on the outside if only because I could now rationalize that I wasn’t just what you saw, I had more to offer.
It seemed like the more I learned to value myself, the more my husband began to express his love for me. Mind you it was in tiny increments. I was so engrossed in my new life that I barely noticed. You see, we had been in this place many times before where I took a step back from him and he would take two steps forward. Once I met him where he was, he would take two steps back. I had lost trust in him long before but now that feeling had moved from my heart to my head.
Didn’t Have to Fake It Anymore
There were voices in his ear telling him that once I finished school that I would leave him. But that never occurred to me because I was having an amazing time, not so much without him, but with myself.
At the end of our long days, his at work, mine at school, we both shared bits and pieces of our days, but I didn’t need to. I was filling myself up. In his mind this translated into me not loving him any longer. I still loved him, still wanted him, but I didn’t need him. I felt so amazingly whole.
In the early part of our relationship, he spent more time with his friends than he did with me. He thought he was exercising his freedom. What he unknowingly did was teach me how to live, and function, and be happy, alone.
It was hard at first but after putting on a happy face for my kids so many times, eventually I didn’t have to fake it anymore.
Life Went on Without Him
I remember the exact moment that he realized my life went on without him. It was a Saturday. He had come to me to let me know that he was going to a friend’s house. H would be gone for probably the whole day, maybe even into the evening.
I thought to myself, well, I can’t make him want to be with me, so I’ll let him go. “Okay,” I said. In that moment something shifted for him. He was confused by my lack of a reaction. So of course, he tried to make me react by telling me that if he did leave that I would surely be mad at him when he returned.
I was tired of the drama that I didn’t want but played a part in creating just the same. I told him no; I wouldn’t be mad and to tell his friend “Hi” for me. It was terribly apparent that I meant every word. I was tired of fighting for his sparse attention only to later realize that my prize did not match the fight it took to win it.
So, he got up and walked out the front door. I was content, thought of all the things me and the kids would do that day. And he came back! I asked him what he was doing, did he forget something, and he said he wasn’t going after all. He had changed his mind.
While They’re Away
So, he only wanted to stay when I didn’t complain about him leaving. Interesting. I didn’t have time to try and figure that out. So, I proceeded to continue with my plans for the day without asking him if he wanted to come along, which he did by the way.
In that moment I was cultivating my own peace from the inside out. I was taking responsibility for me; I processed the moment before I acted. I had to keep practicing for years until “not reacting” became the norm and I felt grown up, really.
The other person can do and say whatever they please. It should have no bearing on what you do and what you say. Just strive to make sure that what you want to say and what you want to do is a result of your heart and your mind being in agreement.
We fight to keep the ones we love by our side only to feel uneasy when they stay because we know deep down inside that the fact that you had to fight to get them to stay is not a victory.
Let them go. And while they’re away get to know who you are and what you want and need. And fight for that.
“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”
Anna Quindlen
Leave a Reply