So, when at school…
I thrived. I felt solid, concrete, and human.
When I was at home, all my feelings, memories, pain just swirled around me like incessant dust devils. I felt uneasy, panicked, and stressed. The chaos was internal. Somehow, I was able to leave it there when I was at school. This allowed me to function and actually have fun.
My habits were to wear my pain plainly for him to see. But to skillfully hide it in public as to appear a woman of strength, and resolve, and autonomy.
In retrospect, unbeknownst to me, I was carrying unresolved childhood issues that melded perfectly with his baggage. Together they became this behemoth of darkness that sat daintily between us like an uninvited house guest.
I was taught that I would need a man, a partner. Nobody ever asked me if I wanted one. Or if I even knew what that meant.
I Wasted so Much Precious Time
I can see now that I was a coward. Making him responsible for my happiness was just an excuse. I was afraid. Using him as a deterrent, an excuse to avoid my life, I wasted so much precious time. Time that I could have used to discover who I was and start living for me.
So, claiming my life began with creating a nurturing and safe environment for me to learn who I was. Then fearlessly being that person. Even if that place was only in my head to begin with.
First, I had to believe. Believe that no matter what someone said to me, or about me, no matter who they were, if they were kin or strangers alike it was my choice as to whether I would let their words stick to me or not.
Read the children’s book You Are Special by Max Lucado. It’s an amazing story for children and adults alike.
And the Two Shall Be as One
Someone had once asked me a seemingly ordinary question that blew my mind:
“If you weren’t’ with him, what would your life look like?”
I was dumbfounded.
I had only thought of my marriage in religious terms. I’m not religious, yet I was very influenced by the whole two becoming one flesh deal. Where each one would easily abandon their own lives to make a new life together.
The thought of us being one comforted me. I had never seen a woman walk alone before. I believed that we would be like twins: needing, wanting, and yearning to be together at all times.
Many times, in my life I wished I could go back in time and knock some sense into that girl, Lol.
The following quote sums up the unsaid sentiment of my generation. It comes from the book Dreamers of the Day by Mary Doria Russell, page 150. “And the two shall be as one…the one, of course, is always the husband.”
It Was Truly My Choice
Yes, the two will build a life together. However, that life consists of two people living their own lives. Then coming together as whole individuals who will then nurture, and respect, a shared existence. Not the way I was taught where one person was always eclipsed by the other.
I had declared many times that what I wanted and needed was important too. Only words because I wasn’t breathing life into those claims. Me going back to school was me claiming my space.
My actions definitely stirred up things a bit. My husband didn’t like it at first, but I stuck to it, and graduated with honors.
We all think about what our lives would be like if we were single. Or if we had chosen someone more suitable to spend our time and lives with. But have we ever thought of just being ourselves anyway? That was a sobering idea for me.
It was truly my choice whether I allowed myself to be limited. To stay safely in the box that I had constructed as a child. Or to decide to be whole no matter what environment I found myself in or who I was with.
Sobering and monumental.
“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.”
Buddha
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