I had come to a place…
in our relationship where I believed that my husband and I could move forward, leaving the past behind us.
It seemed to work, at least for a time anyway. Then something trivial would light up an old problem and the future of our relationship would come into question.
Rain doesn’t wash away cracks in a sidewalk, it adapts and flows through. We had to learn to see things as they were and not as we wished them to be.
Doing nothing is an action. Our nothing was him ignoring any discord because that meant that he was failing our marriage. Me ignoring me because I didn’t want to appear the dissatisfied wife.
Of course, our approach failed because nothing was being left behind. Our problems were just running up ahead and blocking our paths to happiness.
We had tried marriage counseling and that lasted all of two sessions. And I knew that I wanted, needed, something to change. So, I began at the only place I could, at the beginning.
Severing My Past From My Mothers
Self-improvement is just like watching a movie. It’s very important to start from the beginning because everything after that is determined by that beginning. If you start somewhere in the middle, there are so many unanswered questions. Questions with no answers that will leave you more confused than enlightened.
It was difficult at first because a lot of what I learned, I learned visually. Watching my mom and stepdad interact with one another. Before I could decide that the lessons they taught were not for me, I had to name them. I had to understand where they had brought their traditions, beliefs, and views when it came to marriage, from. Once I could understand why they did and said the things they did, I could separate it from me.
I learned a lot about my mom, and why she valued herself so poorly, from her mom. Some of the best grandparents were the worst parents. In sharing things about herself and her mom, my grandma inadvertently revealed why my mom has devalued herself her whole life.
She is now in her eighties and my grandparents’ declarations are still at the tail end of every other word that comes out of my mom’s mouth. I think back to some of the things that my mother said to me. Things that stunted me, held me prisoner, and threatened to come out of my mouth, and realized that they were the same things that she was told about herself.
Learning all this was like a guillotine severing my past from my mother’s.
Start at the Beginning
There were many things that helped me on my way. Reading self-help books, going back to school, and watching Oprah, Lol, no seriously. But nothing helped me more than learning my mom’s beginning and her mom’s beginning before her.
Learning what and where your parents learned will help you see them as the wounded children that they are. It doesn’t take away the mistakes they made with you. It will, however, help you see them in a more compassionate light.
And when you can see them for the fallible humans that they are, humans who want what you want. Like feeling safe to be who they are, follow their dreams, to have their minds, hearts, and bodies shown respect. Then you can choose to give that to yourself and to the children that you have the privilege to raise.
Start at the beginning, learning, healing, and repairing as you go. Then the rest will make sense.
“What to do with the past? There was so much of it.”
Robert Hellenga, Philosophy Made Simple
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