I’ve labored on this topic…
because at first, I didn’t quite believe it. Shouldn’t we grow together? As a couple? And how is developing outside interests going to strengthen our marriage if we didn’t have any common interests to begin with?
For many years I thought that I was with the wrong person. However, every time we broke up (when we were dating) there wasn’t anybody else that felt right.
Looking back, I could see that I was in love with who he presented himself to be. Guest host Selita Ebanks said it best on a 2014 episode of the MTV show Catfish: “People send their representative the first three months and then they start to show their true colors.”
Once my husband stopped giving me what he thought I wanted and showed me who he was, it was too late, I was in love.
If I was who I am now, then, I would have known that he wasn’t the one for me and I would have moved on. If he was who he is now, then, I wouldn’t have fell so hard because I had too much unresolved conflict that hindered me from knowing who I was and what I wanted.
The only way to begin your journey of personal growth is to try and determine what and why you were drawn to, be it people, environments, or situations in the first place.
All the Above
Was your chaos searching for a chaos that would match yours? Were you looking for someone to give you what you didn’t get as a child? Someone that would take the place of someone in your past that you could not change. Were you looking for someone to complete you?
For me it was all the above.
The only thing that should be guiding you in your life is the love, value, respect, and compassion that you have and feel for yourself.
I had a lot of expectations going into my marriage which clouded my vision and my judgment. I stepped over the threshold into married life married to my vision of who I would be and who I, not hoped, but expected him to be.
What Is the Universe Telling You?
Prior to meeting my husband there were things about myself that I knew but did not connect…to me. I thought that these characteristics were due to not being with “the one.” I believed that when I found the right person these quirks would magically disappear.
For instance, it drove me crazy having a boyfriend who always wanted to be by my side. I treasured my time alone. I didn’t need to be communicative all the time. But when I did, I wanted it to be meaningful, playful, and real.
One person that I had dated was very sweet. We had amazing conversations, we had fun together, and he didn’t crowd me. He had his own interests. Unfortunately, it does no good to have someone put you on a pedestal if you believe yourself unworthy.
If everything you have tried doesn’t fix your relationship, maybe the universe is telling you that you shouldn’t be in it.
Managed to Become Ourselves
We’ve all heard the saying that you have to teach someone how to love you. I didn’t know that that’s what I was doing. Tired of waiting for what I needed I concluded that the only way to get it was to give it.
I used to get mad at him if he didn’t give me affection or attention. Then one day I just walked up to him and gave him a hug. I would start a conversation instead of waiting for him to talk to me. I suggested outings we could go on. If he didn’t want to go, I would find something else to do. Or went anyway with someone else.
My evolving attitude caught his attention, and he began to open up. I learned to love him as he was, and he learned to communicate his true heart to me.
Three decades later, he feels comfortable being his true self around me. Which is a dork. For me the simple act of loving and respecting myself has opened the door for him to love and respect me.
Somehow, we both managed to become ourselves.
“At the heart of your being lies your answer. You know who you are and what you want.”
Laozi (6th CENTURY BC), CHINA
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