Forgiveness…
is not an act that relinquishes the wrong doer from accountability. Forgiveness is you letting go so you can move on without carrying someone else’s burdens.
You don’t have to forgive someone if you decide to stay or stay because you have forgiven them.
However, it is vital for your emotional and mental health to forgive no matter if the person you are forgiving is aware or not. I know you have heard this concept a million times and you will hear it a million times more in your lifetime because it is important.
And, I don’t say this lightly. I have experienced many traumas in my life. Some I have forgiven. Others I have held on to for decades and then forgiven. Some that I have forgiven but have never forgotten that it makes me feel like I have not forgiven.
It is my choice, my heart, my life.
Everyone Has A Story
But before I could begin to forgive others, I had to first learn to forgive myself. As hard as it is to forgive others it is a hundred times harder to forgive yourself. First you must understand the difference between things that happened to you and the things that, as an adult, you did of your own volition.
You got yourself into some not-so-great situations, you have the power to get yourself out of them.
Sometimes we forget that everyone was a baby, a child, a teen and what you experienced, good and bad, will follow you into adulthood. How they got to where they are didn’t happen overnight. Everyone has a story.
However, each and every person must come to a point in their lives where they understand that what happened to them is not who they are. Also, what they were taught about themselves and the world was in fact, not true.
You may have been taught to hate. Maybe it was instilled in you that you were entitled. Or to expect certain things from people of different cultures, colors, or genders. You may have been taught to hold back your opinions, your ideas, your emotions. Or that what you had to say was most important or not important at all.
Mine to Design
Once I learned that my life was mine to design, I could see clearly who I needed to forgive and what I needed to forgive myself for.
And just like learning where my mom came from helped me to see her as a person outside of my understanding, I had to learn who my husband was outside of his roles as husband and father by learning about his family and upbringing. Not by talking about it with him. Rather by talking with family members about him so that I could better understand the reality of it. Sometimes, how we remember a memory is more of how it made you feel, not so much about what really happened.
Some people hold on to their past like it’s a coat. They won’t take it off no matter how hot they are. They will not acknowledge that it has become tattered and old, and it may be time to acquire a new one. In fact, they feel absolutely naked without its shabbiness.
Look in the Mirror
I don’t know how many times my husband has said to me, “That’s how I was brought up.” But just because your parents instilled it in you doesn’t automatically make it right.
I don’t think he ever even remotely believed me. I know you can’t change anyone; it took me years to understand that. Furthermore, aside from his upbringing he is who he is at the core no matter any outside influence. Nurture vs. nature, right?
I have forgiven him for a lot. But I had to ask myself, “Did he make a mistake or was he just being himself?”
The former is to be forgiven, and the latter accepted. Both are equally difficult to do when there is love involved. Why? Because we either want to change the past or change the person.
It goes without saying that you can’t change the past. If you want to change someone there is only one thing to do, look in the mirror.
“Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.”
Mel Robbins
Leave a Reply