A decade or so after…
he had first uttered the infamous words I asked him, why, I don’t know, if he had remembered the words that he said to me years before.
His response?
“Yes, you are not pretty-but you’re not ugly either-you’re in the middle, average.”
The first time he said these words, I fell apart. I stumbled through my life a sad and equally angry shell who put on a strong and balanced face every morning for the world to see.
This time I knew that his response told me who he was. Not what my worth was, as I mistakenly believed in the beginning of all this.
Did I think he was going to ask for my forgiveness? Tell me he was so wrong, that he was afraid to tell me how beautiful he really thought I was for fear of being vulnerable? Well, yes.
Did It Even Matter?
Deep down inside I knew that may not happen, or at least for a very long time, because even in the smallest measure he believed what he said.
I wanted him to appreciate me for more than just keeping the house clean, taking care of the kids, and basically managing the household and his whole life. Needed him to look at me, see all of me. I wanted him to see something beautiful and worthy of adoration and respect. Why was I willing to wait so long for that to happen? Why did it even matter to me?
When we are children, the injuries to our self-esteem are so deeply ingrained in us. It feels sometimes impossible to break down the lies we were told and even attempt to re-build our original selves.
The negative messages we were taught become part of our bodies like an extra limb. It may occasionally get in the way, be uncomfortable, or hurt, but we have become accustomed to it and can’t imagine life any differently.
Sometimes we forget the extra limb. We feel great for a bit and instead of enjoying this freedom we’re like oh yah I’m supposed to feel uncomfortable and bring it back to the forefront of our attention because deep down we know we have the right to be happy, to be loved, and shown respect, but we really can’t believe it.
Old Habits
Physically, I was voicing my discontent. I was standing up for myself. Putting my foot down. Starting the divorce conversation. Emotionally, I was still trying to cling to him, believing that I needed his approval of me. Old habits.
Holding on to your pain is not a secret. If you don’t believe in you, no matter what you do or say insecurity and fear are what is most visible. Conversely, when you believe in yourself, you don’t have to say a word.
So, when he told me what he thought of me this time, his words bounced off me and stuck to him, Lol. I just stared at him and thought, wow that didn’t hurt at all. I was learning to stand in my own space in the midst of this relationship.
No one was more surprised than me.
Love Yourself First
Love doesn’t mean giving everything and leaving nothing for yourself. It doesn’t mean getting to know every inch of someone else and waking up one day and not recognizing yourself. Love doesn’t mean putting someone’s dreams, interests, and preferences before your own.
Love is giving because you have already filled your own cup and have something to offer. The person on the receiving end has done likewise. When you are full, you are not in need. When you are whole, there is no need to take.
Love yourself first.
“No one can make you happy. No one can help you grow in life more than you can. I can love you to death, but I can only go so far. I can inspire and encourage you as much as I can, but when you play an active role to find that self-security and that self-worth, it makes the difference.”
Musiq Soulchild
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