Taking stock. Not of…
all the things he’s done and said that have hurt me. No, taking stock of the evolution of my psyche. Because you are as you believe.
Yes, I learned a few lessons along the way, but did I really change?
Looking back through each decade, aside from physical changes, I have found my voice. I make myself known if the situation calls for it. Simple things but ones that I was incapable of at different times in my life.
I feel my feet touch the ground every step I take. I see all that is around me, most of the time. And then there are the words that I will not speak, the thoughts that I will not share, the beliefs that will not live separately from my skin and bones.
In that sense I have remained the same. I want to be free, but the role I must play is too powerful. Is there any other choice but to ride out the storm? I must stay.
In Retrospect
Growing up, I witnessed clearly defined roles. I saw the power play, the control, the subtle verbal abuse on one side and the acquiescing, the surrender, the attempt at resistance, and the extreme discontent masked by the stereotypical happy homemaker on the other side.
I swore the latter would never be me. Then I found someone who fit the counterpart and I jumped in; taking on my role with a smile on my face and what I thought was joy in my heart.
I knew, I knew, that I would be unhappy, but it felt so right.
We all see clearly in retrospect, right? How could we not have known to turn left instead of right, say no instead of yes, or vice versa? We see so clearly now what we didn’t see then. It’s like we are two different people.
It’s pointless to wonder where you would have been or who you would have become if things had been different. There isn’t the past you and the present you and the you that you have the potential to become.
You have always just been you.
I Became Me
Criticized for being unsociable and quiet as a little girl, that still didn’t take away my joy, at first. My little body happily left in the shadows on a sunny day. Coming out to bask in the faded rays of the sun after everyone else has gone.
I wasn’t dynamic enough for those around me. Nothing was ever wrong with me.
Still, as a young girl, it was decreed that who I was wasn’t good enough. I would need to make changes if I was ever going to be good enough for someone to love.
Yet, those same teachers shook their heads when I allowed someone unworthy to love me. Go figure.
Criticized for not loving myself enough to leave throughout all my love drama, I had to fight for my own hand.
The word change means to become different. Evolve is a better word because I became me.
I’m a Person Too
I have always loved me. I just didn’t know that I had to show myself that I was loved by being kind to myself, being my own friend, protecting my heart, and appreciating who I am.
Love is a verb, right?
We put so much effort into showing others that we love them. Giving love to ourselves is part of that gift. Self-love demonstrates that we love ourselves enough to give the best.
I allowed myself to be chosen. Chosen by those who were incapable of giving me what I thought I needed. Those that knew I expected not to get anything in return. That fight was never mine to begin with. It took me years to step out of the ring.
I’m still a wife. The only difference between then and now is that now I’m a person too. Which is everything.
“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to love.”
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
Leave a Reply