Now that I have…
stripped away childhood fantasies, unreasonable expectations, and any leftover spiteful feelings (well, not all of them) c’mon, I am still human, I can see it for what it was. One human being saying something not so nice to another human being.
He was eventually apologetic for it. I say eventually because he didn’t know how much it hurt me to begin with.
I am in a place now that I can let it fall to the ground as opposed to letting it stick. Remember the book I mentioned in post # 30? You are Special by Max Lucado.
I have often wondered if I had said something to him that highlighted his deepest fear, something that he was terribly insecure about, how long would it take for him to forget, forgive, and to move on? To get over it or choose to leave me? There’s no doubt in my mind that he would have left me knowing the kind of person that he is. No doubt.
What do I do with that?
What Am I?
I know now that he was projecting. I know that he is sorry that he said it, and that it hurt me. What bothers me is that he meant it. It’s akin to a criminal who cries because they got caught rather than because they are remorseful.
So, if I’m no longer angry, what am I? Disappointed, sad, disenchanted? Could those feelings just be remnants of that anger that I thought I let go years ago? Maybe. Or maybe it’s my way of holding on to the anger in a way that redresses it. Camouflages the anger so that I can’t see it. But am I holding on to it or will it not let me go?
The Truth?
The former is fear because I don’t know who I am without it. The latter is an excuse because nothing has power over you unless you give it first.
I saw this video on TikTok, which I included below because I couldn’t figure out how to get the info to cite it, Lol. The speaker says, when meeting someone new, that he follows the 90-day rule. Meaning that before that time is up there is no physical contact because…
get this, so we don’t get physically addicted! What?! We literally can become addicted to the chemicals a person is creating in our body before we know who they really are! Omg!
We’ll Never Know
I knew that he had a hold on me, even though it didn’t make any sense. After seeing this video, I was shocked. I can’t even find the words right now because that is exactly what happened. My addiction to the way he, not him, but his body made my body feel always rose to the surface when I was trying to evaluate our relationship.
When our lives got complicated with marriage, children, and owning a home, I knew that I had to change my perspective if I was going to stay and be happy. It took all this time to get to know him, and like him, and see the qualities that he has that complement mine. I have learned a lot from this man. And I daresay that he has learned from me.
Who’s to say if I knew about the 90-day rule then whether we would be together now. We’ll never know.
What I do know now is that we are both better people today and for all that this relationship has gone through. It is a miracle that we are still together. However, there’s still that thing between us, a type of addiction, now that I can name it, that sits between us, and sometimes controls the narrative. If I could go back in time, I would like to think that I would have done things differently.
Here We Are
There.
That’s all the time that I will allow myself to regret any of my decisions simply because I can’t go back in time, and here we are.
So, I’m going to cut myself some slack and feel my feelings when I need to. We are happy together most of the time. But when I find myself inexplicably transported back in time and I remember how something he said or did hurt me I tell him, look, I’m dealing with something right now and I just need a minute to process, because I have forgiven him, and he does give me my space, even if he doesn’t understand.
Eventually we come back together, and everything is okay again, my anger spent, nothing left to do but move on.
“Anger repressed can poison a relationship as surely as the cruelest words.”
Dr. Joyce Brothers
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