In my last post…
I talked about how what we are teaching sometimes gets lost in what we have learned mix. We don’t realize that we have carried on the tradition of expecting others to listen to what we are saying rather than watch what we are doing.
When we are children, we learn by observing. We observe and copy what we see. We may learn to speak or yell, be inquisitive or fearful, be patient or impulsive dependent on our nurturing. In terms of our nature, if we are molded into our parents’ ideal, how can we emerge ourselves when we are ready to go out into the world?
Sometimes we are told who we are, who we are expected to be, and who we can or cannot be; Most often we are shown. The messages are implicit.
So, when we leave the nest there are very few of us who know ourselves well enough to know who we are and where we want to go.
The Ball Was in My Court
When I became a mother, I decided to continue my education. I wanted to show my children what was possible. Unbeknownst to me, all my parents’ decrees, insults, and omens went with me. I know they were wrong. I know they were projecting. Now. But I believed it then because what they were communicating to me was congruent in word and action albeit negative.
It took me years to appreciate that because, in my mind, it was clear what they thought of me. I was well aware of what they believed was possible for me, so the ball was in my court. I could choose whether to believe their assertions of me. Or not. Ambiguity would have kept me trapped in time trying to reveal anything unsaid or undone.
Events where high emotions were involved are more likely to stick with us and make a long-lasting impact. But what emotions are going through a child’s reality if they are just witnessing or experiencing something that appears benign or domestic?
Observational learning doesn’t always require an emotional anchor to keep us mired in the past of someone else’s reality. Not to mention that a child cannot process adult things.
Okay, so we copy what we see. Makes sense as children. Why then as adults, when we know that what we learned was wrong in any way, do we perform what we learned with such…commitment. Years even decades later?
Love
When we are children, we believe what we are told. In our adult relationships we ignore what we are seeing and rely on words to tell us what’s real. Then we learn, usually by getting hurt, that it’s better to pay attention to someone’s actions rather than listen to their words. Especially if the two contradict one another.
What happened on that road to adulthood to turn us around?
Love. That’s what happened. When you love someone, you want to believe everything they say. So, you ignore what they do to keep the idea of your relationship intact in your head in an effort to protect your heart.
Words without actions are just letters that have assembled on the same line. Actions without words sometimes get lost in the day-to-day of life.
Actions that demonstrate our words and words that are validated with acts are like the moon and the stars, sand and the shore, flowers, and bees, each one is a beautiful mystery, but together they are magic.
“I am not imposed upon by fine words; I can see what actions mean.”
George Eliot
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