Everybody talks about…
how important it is to communicate with the people in your life. Be it family, teachers, or co-workers. But it’s most important when it comes to your partner, spouse, the one you love.
That was the number one requirement for me. If my love interest was open to conversation, I was in. And just like anything else in life, the more you practice the better you get at it. I really enjoy sharing and comparing ideas and feelings, one on one.
But what if you are with someone who’s waiting for you to speak? Someone who’s not as comfortable as you sharing your heart and mind? And if they’re not talking, the tendency for you may be to shut down. Then come to all kinds of conclusions as to why they are not talking to you. Like maybe they’re not in love with you. They don’t value the relationship, or that they don’t have the desire to share with you specifically.
In reality they just might not have the confidence or the courage to speak on intimate topics such as one’s hopes, fears, and needs. Furthermore, to ask you about yours.
Communication Leads to Connection
Some people are just not talkers in an intimate sense. This can leave one or both of you feeling like strangers under the same roof.
Real talk. What are you waiting for? Who are you saving yourself for? The love you save may be your own. You’ll be one of those people shopping for a new toaster and microwave at Bed Bath & Beyond because you have suddenly found yourself alone.
I’ve seen this happen. I digress.
Also, keep in mind that a one-sided conversation is not communication. This will never achieve connection because when one person is talking at another it’s like leaving the tv on in your house for background noise. A friend of a friend’s friend is just such a person. He talks nonstop. There are no commercial breaks, and if you want to say something you are left to feel rude interrupting him. It is not fun.
You can ask your honey how their day was every day for the rest of their life but if you’re not ready to hear how it was don’t ask. How was your day being a question much like asking someone, anyone, how they are doing. There are stock responses that people expect and like to hear. It is understood that it’s not a real question, just a polite social thing to do. However, in terms of your significant other, I don’t know what’s worse, not asking how their day was or asking and not really caring to hear the answer.
Communication leads to connection when the communication dares to venture outside of being polite.
I See You, You See Me
And when you’re having that conversation and one of you is feeling unheard, saying “I’m listening,” is only half of it. The question is do you really hear what your partner is saying? We all know the trick to determine this is to ask the listener, “well, what did I just say?” If you are engaged in what is being communicated to you, what are you doing with that information? Are you asking follow-up questions? Sharing your thoughts on the topic? Are you communicating?
Listening to either make the talker feel good or because that’s what you think you’re supposed to do as a partner can come off as patronizing.
Sometimes connection doesn’t require words if the communication preceding it is genuine. Connection binds two people, or a group of people together, because the communication, the words, the understanding, the empathy, the ensuing history that your communication has created has highlighted the “we” that we are.
Even brief interactions with people that you encounter throughout your day, may become something that you will quickly forget about. However, there are times when those quick interactions become mini connections that leave you to feel a part of the world, and happy.
Deeper communication with family, friends, and partners involves first listening. Digesting the information and then asking questions for a deeper understanding of one another. Learning and caring about what someone is feeling or thinking fosters connection.
Connection happens when what I’m saying makes you feel as if I’m revealing your heart, as if we have known each other our whole lives.
Communication is validating someone’s existence: I see you and you see me. While connection is one person trusting another person to safeguard their heart, mind, and soul.
“Deep in their hearts, most people wish to be understood and to be cherished.”
Buddha
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