Every day I try to…
choose joy, remain present, be positive, forgive, be loving, have compassion, speak kindly, practice gratitude, help others, and every day I fail just a little bit.
I am a human being. I’m sure, no I’m positive, that the best of the best has those days too.
Days where the hours between sunrise and sunset are like the turning of a page in a book. Days where all their plans and goals felt…pointless. When meaning was mischievous and elusive.
And honestly, more often than not, I don’t know what to do. I try to journal, but my heart is silent. I don’t share with anyone because I don’t want them to worry or tell me not to worry, Lol.
So, I go into a quiet room and stare at all the walls because I’m pacing and wonder what the heck is wrong with me.
I should be grateful and then I think that’s not it. I am very appreciative of how far I’ve come, who I am, and where I’m at and I realize that it’s actually very clear: my effort hasn’t yielded what I thought it would.
There Is Gratitude
I think back to when I opened an Etsy shop. I was instructed to, once I listed items in my shop, to keep on making. The tendency would be to sit and wait until something sold, going crazy in the process. So, I kept making stuff and two weeks later made my first sale.
That’s my current problem, I keep stopping, and waiting. I need to keep creating for the sake of self-expression in whatever form. It doesn’t help that my husband keeps asking me if anything’s happening and it’s stressing me out.
A person can’t be positive all the time, can they?
No, I don’t think so, but in those moments when hope is hard to find there is perspective. There is gratitude that I have people in my life that are asking me how it’s going, how I react is not their problem, Lol. And there is an appreciation that I am able to write, to create something out of nothing, and feel the ultimate joy at having done so.
Tomorrow, I’ll Put on My Armor
So, in a nutshell I’m going to keep trying to choose joy, remain present, be positive, forgive, be loving, have compassion, speak kindly, practice gratitude, help others, and yes, every day I will fail just a little bit.
What’s important I think is to try not to focus on the outcome of my efforts. It’s the journey, right? As long as I keep going in the same direction that leads towards my goals.
There’s a book that I read a long time ago that has stuck with me and been my undercover mantra, because I’m not consciously thinking about it, it just happens: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers, PH.D.
That book helped me in countless ways, so many that it’s part of my everyday routine: breakfast, work out, feel the fear and do it anyway, Lol.
I gave myself a day to feel sorry for myself. A day to not be negative, but not be positive either, to settle somewhere in the middle…and rest.
Tomorrow, I’ll put on my armor, grab my shield, and kick butt.
“There is no hope unmixed with fear, and no fear unmixed with hope.”
Benedict De Spinoza (1632-1677), Holland
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