My beginnings began…
with my true self being suppressed and me trying to fit into who I was dictated to be.
My step dad told me that I wasn’t living up to his standards. He said I wasn’t rising to my potential. That potential consisted of the path he thought was best for me.
My Mom thought me arrogant because I wanted to learn and experience more of the world. Any small steps I took toward that goal were quickly reprimanded. Why? Because as their child I shouldn’t want to do or be more than them.
I felt like they didn’t really know me. They didn’t know the young woman that I had become. They still saw me as a child and viewed any resistance to their ideas as petulance.
I was very conflicted. I wanted to blossom and experience my life my way, but I needed to be the dutiful, respectful daughter.
What Was Their Motivation?
I often wondered what motivated their intentions.
One of them passed away a lifetime ago so I can’t ask directly. However, I did learn some things about their upbringing from relatives.
The other, I am grateful to say, has lived to a ripe old age and we have had many conversations about their own childhood.
Asking why they tried to hold me back or why they projected their limitations onto me would have been disrespectful (the generation I grew up in) but after listening to their stories I have deduced the reasons.
They were groomed to become nothing. Instead of wanting me to surpass their lives, they held me back so that they wouldn’t have to watch me have the things that they felt that they should have had. As their parents had done.
Guilt Grows Up With You
Everything I was taught growing up had been braided into my DNA. Even in the face of common sense and logic, it will always be a part of who I am.
After college, out of rebellion and a desire to prove they were wrong, I evolved. I learned to let taking my share be normal, that being less than beautiful, a genius, or having an in-your-face talent, did not mean that I wasn’t worthy of everything that I wanted.
Yet, I still hid my wins, big and small, because in their eyes they were nothing to brag about. I felt guilty for wanting and being more.
Until I overflowed and refused to settle any longer. It took my relentless sharing of even the smallest of accomplishments for them to begin to separate their childhoods from mine and see me as an individual.
I fought for that status and eventually I took on the role of parent and cheered them on, lifted them up and taught them to look at the positive.
It took me years to chip away at the guilt I had because of my growth and success. Many more years to feel the accomplishment in my body and to wrap my head around even the idea that I became me despite being trained to be, stay, and love being small.
Passing Down the Guilt
No matter how much you say you will be different. Or how educated, enlightened, or progressive you become, when you have children, you will bring along your parents.
You will say and do things that you hated that your parents said and did. You will hear their words come out of your mouth and see yourself performing actions that you swore you would never do. It’s inevitable.
You can either dismiss it or face it. Dismissing it will make everything harder for your children. Facing it will give them a fighting chance.
How do you face it? One word: honesty.
That’s it.
Let them know that you don’t know what you’re doing, that you want to do better. Give them a chance to tell you what they see and learn together. They will become more able to process their observations and you will begin to heal.
Say you’re sorry. Encourage dialogue. Be the parent that you wanted.
It’s Never Too Late
What if your kids are adults? They may even have their own kids. Doesn’t’ matter. It’s never too late to grow and to improve yourself and your relationship with your children. It’s never too late to have that conversation.
When we sat down with our kids and shared our fears at having failed them, as young parents they were able to put themselves in our shoes.
They shared their own challenges. Even the ones that were created by my husband and I. Reassuring us that we didn’t do too badly.
Honesty paved the way for new ways to communicate and connect. Sharing our mistakes allowed them to accept their own. Humility allowed forgiveness to be given and accepted.
It’s never too late to say you’re sorry, it’s never too late to show your love by revealing your heart.
Mediocracy Is All in Your Perspective
I did encourage my kids to be more, I taught them that they had the ability and intelligence to become whatever they wanted.
However, believing that I wasn’t successful enough by showing them what was possible for them, I felt I failed them.
We all know that success is different for everyone. I thought I had to be famous or super rich.
They were happy that their father and I provided everything they needed. They were proud of us for being financially stable.
Of course, there were things that we dropped the ball on, that we were not the best at, but we tried. Every time we made a mistake we kept trying.
Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Period.
We didn’t pass on mediocrity; we gave them a place to jump off and choose their own versions of success.
“Teach your tongue to say ‘I do not know’ and you will make progress.”
Maimonides (Rabbi Moses Ben Maimon)(1135-1204), Spain
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