It seemed like yesterday…
that I turned sixteen.
Decades later I’m wondering about that sweet girl and wishing that I could have somehow comforted and guided her.
I remember fluctuating back and forth between my fictional and authentic selves. I couldn’t name it, control it, or define the two selves. However, when I was my authentic self, it was like stepping through a veil over into the real world. Although short lived because fictional selves are formidable to say the least.
Well, I’m here now and although I can say that I am my authentic self at least eighty percent of the time what I’m working on now is getting rid of my fictional self all together.
Is that even possible?
A Role Is a Performance
A performance. That is what your Fictional Self is to designed to do. He/she/they plays a part, impromptu of course, because your authentic self is experiencing fear and/or insecurity of some sort.
When I first met my husband, I was super agreeable. Moldable basically. I became not who he expected me to be, but whom I believed I was supposed to be within this dynamic.
Reward and punishment dictated how well I played my part.
I was not taught, prepared in any way, encouraged, or discouraged to take on this role of wife. However, I received the most powerful training possible; I was shown.
I received lessons from birth. Day in and day out of dysfunctional and toxic demonstrations of what it was to be a wife. All those lessons were recorded on my Tapes (post #28) and without planning to I became one. A wife.
There is one thing that I was acutely aware of and that is that I did not want to become one. I swore up and down that a wife I would not be. I remember telling my sister that I didn’t want a man, ever.
Her response was, “Never say never.” and in less than a month I found one. Or one found me I should say. And I wanted marriage and all his babies.
What the heck?!
I had no idea that the role of wife was what I did, not who I was.
The Next Thirty Years
The next thirty years I was the best wife. And from my lessons I could tell you that that meant that I would lay myself down a million times over while others around me thrived, and grew, and lived their best lives.
Since re-reading Dr. Phil’s Self Matters, I have begun to feel the pull of those subconscious tapes. I am now painfully aware of the way that I have silenced and sacrificed myself.
Even when I began to fight for myself, way back in my subconscious the messages were, “Keep the peace,” “Don’t rock the boat,” “Everybody’s happiness depends on you pretending that you are happy.”
It was really confusing to see that I was putting myself first, setting boundaries, using my voice, being my own advocate but feel off because of those internal messages.
And now, I am at a precipice.
Do I forget what I have recently learned and continue performing my role as wife or quit my role?
One option ensures another thirty years and the other option a chance for…I have no idea.
Maybe, that’s why I feel stuck because I do not like the unknown.
What to do.
The Other Side of the Veil
Let’s call it a curtain though. Like a game show, Lol.
Curtain number one hangs like a waterfall, it shimmers, and promises great things. It looks magical. Other people admire it. They want what is behind that curtain.
Curtain number two is tattered, faded, and stained. Every now and then curtain number two is rustled by a breeze from an unknown source and you can see beyond it for a split second. It doesn’t look that great from where you are standing. Granted you never look too hard.
However, when you pass through curtain number one, what you see strongly resembles curtain number two! But more so the condition of the prize, rather it feels very familiar to you. Your life is falling apart but you present it to the world as a prize that is beyond value.
Now, concerning curtain number two there is nothing in the appearance of this curtain that tells you that you will find anything of value. And if you don’t see any value on the outside, why would you choose to go behind this curtain?
What Does Curtain Number Two Represent?
Curtain number two represents where you are at and what is beyond it lies possibility, hope, the future you dream about.
It’s easy to get stuck in front of the curtain. Like curtain number one, everybody sees what you are standing next to, not the truth behind the curtain.
Did you choose the wrong curtain for the wrong reasons and at the wrong time?
It comes down to knowing who you are.
It is hard work, yet it’s not. Think about it. Daniel Radcliffe knows he is not Harry Potter. But Harry Potter does not know that he is Daniel Radcliffe.
Being your authentic self means not allowing your fictional self to take the lead in real life because you are afraid to speak, walk in, demonstrate, and advocate, your own truth…consistently.
Yah let’s do that.
“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.”
Lao Tzu
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