I’ve been on my purging…
phase this year for a little longer than usual. I’m not a hoarder by any means I’ve just decided that a tad more of minimalism may be a better match for me.
When most people find themselves with extra space, they tend to go about filling it up which is exactly what I did when our kids moved out. I quickly created an office/craft room for myself in one and went about making a guest room in the other.
I don’t usually bring too much extra stuff into my home however, it doesn’t’ take much for me to feel overwhelmed.
Having begun Spring cleaning last March purging unused, uninspiring, and unnecessary things I just kept going. I was doing well when I was faced with the one item that I absolutely love and must have: books.
I had five floor to ceiling bookshelves in my living room. Two on one side and three on the other with more than six hundred books!
So, I began, one book at a time. I read, re-read, or realized I did not want to read each book before donating them. So far, I have donated over four hundred books to my library’s bookstore and took down three bookshelves!
What’s currently left are the keepers, and self-help books.
A lot of self-help books.
Are You Talking to Me?
There is a common theme among my self-help books and that is that I only made it half-way through most of them! I’ve completed two or three that I can remember in the last twenty years.
I realized that when I began each one it was with the mindset that someone else was the problem.
I was looking for an answer as to why this person was the way he was. Once able to identify his problem, I would then be able to understand what my problem was.
Backwards. I know.
Throughout my life there have been moments here and there where I “woke up” and everything was suddenly lucid. I remember them very clearly. I felt alive. Just as quickly they were gone, and I was in a fog once again.
It took me decades to realized that I was the one, not life or my circumstances, that was actively ignoring, dismissing, and devaluing…me.
There Is Always Room for Improvement
In the last decade or so I believed that I had, with the help of self-help books, uncovered something groundbreaking: My husband was projecting his lack of confidence onto me. He made me feel inadequate because that is what he believed about himself.
Well, I just finished The Undervalued Self: Restore Your Love/Power Balance, Transform the Inner Voice That Holds You Back, and Find Your True Self-Worth by Elaine Aron.
But before I finished it, I only got about thirty pages in before putting it in the donation bag. Why would I need to read it? I have learned to value, love, and speak lovingly to myself. I have learned about the existence of my inner “tapes” and how to manage them so they can no longer control me.
But something told me to pick it up again. And what did I discover about myself? That I was projecting my past trauma onto him!
Unknowingly, I was expecting certain negative beliefs, behaviors, and outcomes from him as a husband based on what I learned and subscribed to as a wife.
I have learned so much, that is true, yet my arrogance led me to believe that I was done learning. I know that is not true, but my mind said otherwise.
Your Mind Is Not the Boss of You
In the heat of an argument I have told my husband, “You created this monster.” Little did I know that I created someone who was afraid to come to me, speak his mind, and show me his heart.
My walls kept me safe, but they also kept him out.
I’ve probably talked about this before. But for some reason this time I felt it. I let myself know it. Whereas before I would just silence this knowing whenever it threatened to reveal that I was wrong too.
Another book that is helping me stay on track that is my next read is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
There’s nothing like being in the moment when interacting with someone you love. The past, where they may have hurt you and the future where you are constantly reaching for something better does not exist. Each moment is just now.
I was able to stay in the moment the other day when my husband said something that reminded me of a past hurt. I felt myself slipping into that place of anger and quickly “observed” myself. This brought me into the present where there was no conflict, and I was happy.
The Power of Now is like mindfulness 2.0. By observing yourself and your thoughts when in a negative or painful mindset you disconnect with the mind so fully that you are just being.
It was kind of jarring, to pull myself out of that dark hole so quickly and completely, because I didn’t know that I could do that.
Your mind is not the boss of you.
“He who masters others has power. He who masters himself has strength.”
Laozi
Leave a Reply