A relative of a friend…
of mine recently passed away.
The immediate response of my friend was it’s just one thing after another mindset. And I thought to myself, “Actually, that is just life.”
Life doesn’t happen to us. It exists and will go on with or without us.
This life is temporary and if we are going to be happy, it is best to learn not to take everything personally. No one is out to get us. We are not cursed or destined to fail.
Who we are, who we were before we came here and will still be when we leave, hopefully improved, is immortal.
I always thought it would be cool to be a vampire, Lol. Not the killing or the blood lust mind you. The not having to sleep, eat, shower, go to the bathroom benefits rather.
It would be awesome to have all the time in the world to do whatever and go wherever you wanted, right?
I digress.
So, as I was saying before, life in the body that you are presently in is temporary.
You on the other hand are immortal. Whether a single spirit or a piece of a larger whole I do not know. I’d venture to say that it’s the latter.
Either one entity or one consciousness.
What Reality Are You Creating?
Someone that I used to work with twenty some years ago had shared with me that her mother had died of cancer when she was just starting out in life.
The last couple of months of her mother’s life she shared with her daughter her beliefs about life and death.
It has stayed with me ever since.
She basically said that Heaven and Hell were right here on Earth. That we all have a choice as to which reality we want to create and experience.
I understand that as children we don’t have options and choices. We are victims or beneficiaries to our circumstances.
I don’t know where I heard the following quote or saying, “Childhood is something to be survived,” but I agree with it wholeheartedly. Life begins when an individual can exercise their options and make their own choices.
Stuck and Un-Stuck
Why is it that some people, after the hard work of processing trauma, can let things go while others refuse to do the work and hold on to it as if holding on to a life raft?
It’s more than being stubborn. Holding on to things that have hurt us, almost destroyed us even, make us feel somewhat in control because we believe we are what has happened to us.
If the only thing that you’re truly in control of is how you react/respond to any situation then holding on feels more impactful than letting things go. There is more fanfare because emotions appear concrete as they are expressed and letting go feels like you have given in or given up.
It’s hard to wrap your mind around the fact that letting go is not forgiveness, submission, or a weakness. It is not admitting fault or giving the other person a clean slate. Letting go is saying that whatever happened cannot be changed, altered, or reversed so I choose to leave it behind. That’s why it takes so much strength to walk away because letting go takes away our sense of justice.
But that is not true. Your only job is to take care of all things you. It is not your responsibility to better anyone nor is it in your power to do so.
And why are we so blind to ourselves? We instantly recognize stuck body language, words, and actions in others. Yet we cannot see it in our own behaviors.
It’s because we connect what we are doing with what we are feeling. It is rationalized and validated in our minds. We feel justified. It becomes one thing, not an action and a reaction to that action, just one ball of chaos.
We can’t feel what others are feeling so we can be objective when observing their behavior. In that moment we tend to judge when we should be showing compassion because when we judge we are looking in a mirror.
What You Feel Vs. What Is Real
I’ve used the following quote before, but I love it. It’s one of those hidden gems that you only catch if you are really paying attention.
It’s from the movie ATL (2006) with T.I. and Lauren London. I’ll set the scene. Rashad (T.I.) who lives in the basement in his uncle George’s house is laying on his bed contemplating everything that has happened so far concerning his little brother’s brush with crime and New New (L.L.) who he thought was his girlfriend and has discovered that she is not who she says she is.
His uncle comes in with Lemonade, sits on the bed beside him and says something uncharacteristic (all he cares about is the boys not eating his cereal or drinking his lemonade if I remember correctly, Lol)
Uncle George says, “Now, look, I ain’t trying to get in your business… but, I mean I do know a little something about being pissed. I mean, it’s all – You know, it’s all just feelings, man. From females to friends to funerals… it’s all about the feelings. I just want you to recognize the difference between what you feel and what’s real. That way you don’t look back on life with a bunch of regret.”
I won’t say that’s it, leave your feelings at the door. I know firsthand how super difficult it is. How feelings can twist reality and blind you to the fact that you are in charge of you.
Take the blindfold off and you’ll see the only one standing there is you.
Only When You Are Ready
What has happened to us has happened. Now, we are adults and can choose where we put ourselves and with whom we want to invite into our personal space.
And that leads to accountability.
I once worked with a young lady who within five minutes of meeting me told me very personal things. She left her abusive boyfriend a couple of weeks prior. I told her how great that was. She then proceeded to tell me that she was going back to him. I asked her why she would do that. I explained that this was a pivotal moment. It wasn’t what he was doing, it was that she was allowing it. She wasn’t ready to see what was right in front of her.
Perspective is everything. Did life hit me again with a flat tire or did I get a flat tire because I did not keep up with auto maintenance?
I know there are plenty of things that happen to us in life. Things that you have no control of. I’m not talking about those things. I’m talking about the events that happen in our lives due to our choices. Our actions and inactions both.
In life there is what you went through, how you processed what you went through, and coming to a point in your life where you can choose what you want to experience and how you experience the world.
Half-Empty or Half-Full
Some people are naturally positive. The rest of us have to work at seeing the glass half-full.
There are things that happen to us, things that happen around us, and things that we cause to happen. Through it all our outlook on life is what will sustain us.
Are you a victim or a survivor? If the former, decide to fight. If the latter, define what survived in you and build on that to become who you truly are.
And then leave those labels behind.
If you’re not living your life based on you, then you are living someone else’s life. If you don’t know who you are, it’s never too late to find out.
“In our lives, change is unavoidable, loss is unavoidable. In the adaptability and ease with which we experience change lie our happiness and freedom.”
Buddha
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