My internet was down…
last Friday, therefore, no TV for a day and a half (they came out on Saturday to fix) My husband suggested we play a few card games. Now, you might think that was normal, yes?
We’ve played cards a handful of times in thirty years, Lol. And that’s okay, It’s no big deal. We each have our own likes and dislikes as well as routines.
When he gets home from work, outside of mowing the lawn once a week and taking care of any home repairs that come up occasionally, he watches TV.
You can find me in my craft room/office when I’m not doing household chores.
We usually smile at one another when passing each other and connect throughout the day to see what the other is doing.
I have adapted to it for the most part.
However, the card game invitation came a few days after a disagreement, so I was hesitant.
Cards on the Table
So, there we were at the kitchen table and he’s just jolly, and easy, and having a great time.
While I am going through a process within.
You see, a couple of weeks prior I approached him to discuss something that I was upset about.
I literally just said that I wanted to talk to him about something and before I could begin his tone changed and he said, “Well, I know I didn’t do anything wrong.”
I responded with, “Okay, you’re right, you didn’t do anything wrong” and walked away.
There’s been some tension around the house because even though I wanted to talk about it, I was pensive. He knew that I was upset but he usually doesn’t’ like to initiate a conversation when I’m upset.
Our communication styles are very different. It has been a challenge. We managed most of the time but there we were.
Side Effects of Awareness
With this new level of awareness that I have reached with the help of The Power of Now I quickly and clearly saw what he was doing with the card game invitation.
He was trying to erase the argument with something that he knows I enjoy. Playing cards.
At one point I couldn’t help but laugh out loud as I was having fun, and I saw something in his eyes that said, “It’s working.”
Staying present has some powerful side effects.
- I could be happy in the moment knowing that it didn’t have any bearing on what came before or what was coming next. My joy didn’t mean anything. It just was.
- Your inner compass can only be present when you are
- In awareness you see what is and not what you feel. It’s a strange feeling to feel everything yet not be swallowed up by those emotions.
- Awareness gives you control over your behavior allowing you to see the other party’s behavior clearly
Here’s the thing. Yes, I have grown as a person. I have learned a lot about myself and the way I shrunk away, out of sight of those lessons, in order to survive a relationship. My excuse being that it was for the sake of others.
It got me thinking though. Has his growth been authentic? Or has he learned who he must be to keep me happy for the moment? Has this all been a game, where he occasionally slips up and shows me his hand?
Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows that it’s not always easy. There’s compromise, give and take, and sometimes you just have to turn the other cheek.
Learning to be in the present moment has empowered me. It has shown me that choosing to respond rather than react is preserving my peace.
What’s Love Got to Do With It?
We eventually talked about what was bothering me. Our solution wasn’t the best, but at least I felt heard and a little more understood.
I was talking to a friend about how I felt about the end result, and she said, “Oh, you love him.”
And the first thing out of my mouth was, “What’s love got to do with it?” Shout out to Tina Turner up in Heaven. Followed by, “Yes, that is true, but now I love me more.”
I have finally learned to love myself. Eckhart Tolle taught me how. TikTok gives me daily confirmation that self-love should precede all. I can’t deny what I have learned any longer.
Marriage is challenging but I’m still doing me regardless and aside from occasional tension in my body I am doing great (Yoga & meditation are saving me)
I know all that matters is that I have always been in possession of what I need.
“You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from nesting in your hair.”
Chinese Proverb
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