Have you ever…
complained about someone and their behavior only to exhibit that same behavior to a third party in front of the person you just voiced your complaints to?
It happened to me years ago, but it was so jarring that it has stuck with me all these years.
I don’t know if my actions were subconscious because I felt guilty talking about someone else, the universe humbling me, or both.
That experience instantly cut off my tongue, figuratively of course, and I have been hard pressed to complain about another since then.
Who Are You Complaining To?
It is widely known that whatever irks you about someone else is the very thing that you dislike in yourself.
But what if it’s something that you don’t do, that is not in your character to do? And why would a person do the very thing that they are complaining about? The very thing that upset them?
It is irrelevant that the complaint was valid. And considering that this is someone close to you, someone you may be in a relationship with, you have a right to express your discontent. Don’t you?
Complaining is a form of communication. Albeit not the best form. Complaining usually gets the complainer marked and just like crying wolf the complainer is in time avoided and ignored.
Even if what they are saying is justified. And because who you’ve decided to share personal information with has not walked in your shoes, the usual response is, “Well, do something about it then.”
Be proactive and go to the source of your discontent.
I Thought I Was Just Venting
The moment I exhibited said behavior, I was instantly aware of what had just happened.
The only answer I can come up with is that the universe was showing me that I was equally imperfect. That I was no better than the one whom I was complaining about.
I did find some compassion, understanding, and forgiveness for the other person, and eventually myself, but I was still perplexed as to why I did the same thing that I was complaining about.
Eckhart Tolle says that when you complain you make yourself into a victim. Also, that it gives you a sense of power by speaking out.
I thought I was just venting.
Complaining and venting both are sharing your feelings about an event or a person that you may be displeased with. However, complaining adds the element of judgment in a way that elevates the complainer in the telling.
Being Human
Considering that I did feel guilty at sharing my thoughts about someone else to another it does make sense that I basically punished myself for betraying that person.
Betraying in the sense that I was talking behind their back. And although I did feel bad the whole time, I was actively ignoring my inner voice that was telling me to hush.
I knew that I had done something wrong.
Since then, I have made an effort to talk to the person face to face rather than complain about them behind their back. And if I can’t do that, then I let it go.
I think it bothered me so much because the act that I complained about was just someone being human, and because I was rejecting that part of myself, it was easy for me to judge.
Live and Let Live
Don’t complain to others about the one you should be communicating with.
It’s not they did this, or they did that. Presenting yourself as a victim and labeling them the villain.
Use “I” sentences and present it as a problem that you need help understanding or take it as an opportunity to learn why it bothered you so much which is not their problem.
Not everyone is going to behave the way that you think is best. And they shouldn’t. Everybody should just do what they think, and feel is best for themselves.
This does not include breaking the law or hurting anyone else of course.
Live and let live.
“The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none.”
Thomas Carlyle, Scotland
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