One of the hardest…
things about being an introvert is needing some time alone and not seeing that happening any time soon.
To clarify, when I had this thought, I was sitting on the couch feeling immensely overwhelmed. There was a lot going on that week and it made me think of the coming change in our lives: my daughter moving back home.
At that moment, I knew things would die down and I would have some relief but when they all moved in, I would have to be my own advocate if I was going to have my solitude. I haven’t forgotten that I already formed a plan. It all sounded doable in theory, but was it going to work?
So, I was just sitting there with tears in my eyes because all I wanted to do was be alone.
In retrospect I should have just shared my feelings with my husband and cried. But I had this weird thought, “Get it together lady, you are too old to cry.”
More like an utterly ridiculous thought. Being a human being is for a lifetime not just only acceptable when as a child.
Fake It to Make It
On the outside, I appeared calm. Fake it to make it, right?
On the inside I was going a mile a minute processing the past ten days.
To sum it up we had major plumbing repairs taking over our home, inside and out, a toddler birthday and Mother’s Day on the same day, unable to do laundry because of said plumbing and running out of underwear fast! And at least five more issues/events that I was dealing with.
I was handling everything one task at a time, quite well I thought, and then I hit a wall.
Everyone wanted to come over to my house after the birthday chaos at Chuck E Cheese, for the birthday cake, and to give me my Mother’s Day gifts. On my way home, knowing everyone would be there, I was fighting anxiety and tears.
I knew that I had to get it together, to fix my face, so I calmed myself. When I walked in, I did not jump into the social pit, rather I busied myself with a household task until I was ready to face others and make small talk.
Thankfully, the other moms were getting stressed, Lol, because we had to keep all the kids away from the plumber and the mess, so they all left shortly after and moved the group to another house.
I love my family. We had a great time. I seem to be the only true introvert in a very outgoing family. And they love me. If I had shared with them how I was feeling, they would have understood, and I would have felt better.
But as the head of this family, I feel like I must be the strong, wise, balanced, entertaining, and happy one at all times. Whether guest or host.
Putting Things Into Perspective
I grew up being criticized for being quiet, preferring to be in my room or staying home to socializing. I felt ashamed to be me. Embarrassed because according to my parents I wasn’t friendly enough.
Now, I can see that my mom is very much an introvert, and I am often her anchor at social gatherings. Furthermore, pointing out my perceived shortcomings took the attention away from herself. It’s okay, Mom.
Another one of my family members is an introvert as well and I try to make a space for them to recharge when I see them withdrawing.
Taking on the burden of other people’s expectations was at first thrust upon me by others and then a choice that I grudgingly adopted. Trying to be all things to everyone is impossible, exhausting, and unnecessary especially when it comes to family.
Or at least it should be.
No matter your age or position in the family hierarchy, it is truly a gift to your family, who are always watching, to honor yourself out in the world, but most importantly among them.
A Balancing Act
It’s a balancing act for sure to be an introvert in a world where most human interaction is impossible to avoid.
Personally, there are times when I like an interaction here and there. Needless to say, as brief as possible.
It’s time to get over the shame of not being a social butterfly, the life of the party, or the one that everybody finds a personal challenge to break you out of your shell.
If I am to honor that which is me what I am balancing is my peace with everyone else’s expectations.
Truth will balance the scales. Family and friends won’t expect you to be the one to meet them in the middle. Rather, they will accept you where you are.
Everyone else is just minor characters.
“Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if the whole world seems tumbled down.”
St. Francois De Sales
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