Remember that…
song? Why Can’t We Be Friends by the 70″s band War? Well, this post is not about them, Lol. It’s just that the title says it all for me.
My husband and I have been together for thirty-seven years and… we’ve never been friends.
We are definitely companions, going to Home Depot, Lowes, or Target together. Walmart is too big, he won’t go, the lines are too long. Occasional trips to the nearest casino.
The question is can we form a friendship after not being friends to begin with? And if we can’t. Why not?
Defining Friendship
What is friendship?
Two people with things in common who value and like each other. Have mutual respect and regard for one another. Demonstrate a fierce loyalty in the other’s presence more so when they are not around.
Others around either one of them will know without a doubt what they mean to each other.
That was not the case with us.
All those things I just mentioned, he had and felt for his family and his friend friends.
Looking at the facts it is clear that he never viewed me as a friend because apparently, wives are not your friends.
Cultural or Familial?
I quickly learned that his siblings were very possessive. He “belonged” to his sisters and his brothers have always come before me.
The years of pointing out that I and his children should come first never reached his consciousness. I offered the exception that if I mistreated or disrespected any one of them, they would come first. Which of course I never did.
But it was believed and encouraged in both of our cultures that the male at any age is to come before all females. That a male’s needs should always come first, even if that means leaving his created family by the wayside.
I don’t know if it’s cultural or familial. As every family unit is different. And I don’t want to generalize about culture, yet it is common for families of many cultures to subscribe to the following belief: Blood is thicker than water.
Was It a Gender Thing?
It’s well known that in many cultures and family’s the males are more important than the females.
Sister’s, daughter’s, wives’, and even mothers are less important than any males within and without the household.
I recall an argument that my stepdad and I had about it being my duty to serve my younger brother, by ten years, food and drink. That he shouldn’t have to get his own.
Credit to my little brother because he agreed with me and got his own soda.
There is no doubt that if we had a son, he would be of more value to my husband than I would be.
Was It Me?
That leaves me with one last question. Was it me?
I knew that we were not compatible within a very short amount of time. I knew that being with him was not a very good idea, but still I moved forward. Why? Because I did not know me.
Now thirty-seven years later here we are, separated, and it feels…like the right thing to do. He is accepting of my decision. I am accepting of who he is, just not with me.
Maybe we can’t be the kind of friends that I would like to be, but instead define what our friendship, if any, encompasses, and move forward.
At first thought I think that being a friend to myself will provide a better foundation to any potential platonic relationship with him.
But if I’m being a good friend to myself, I would say that if after thirty some years it didn’t happen, it never will.
“Friendship with oneself is all-important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
Leave a Reply