Not everyone likes…
the holidays. If your house is dark on October 31st, turkey-less on the last Thursday in November and without decoration on December 25th, you are not alone.
I know a family who are horrible to each other. They talk about one another openly as well as behind each other’s back. They splinter off into cliques. Yet they still come together on holidays. And they act as if they are the most cohesive and loyal family there ever was.
I don’t get it.
What is so important about holidays that people expect an off the hook pass for their deplorable behavior the rest of the year?
The History of Holidays
I’m going to make this simple because it’s not so much where the holidays originated as what they have become today.
Halloween was brought over by the Irish. It has morphed from wearing costumes to scare off spirits from the other side to costume competitions and gorging on candy.
Thanksgiving today doesn’t resemble its questionable origins in any way, in fact Native Americans have celebrated that day as a National Day of Mourning since 1970.
Christmas was brought to America by Dutch Immigrants during the 19th century. With them came the legend of Sinterklaas (“Saint Nicholas”) Although it’s fun as a child to believe in holiday magic it is devastating to learn that not only is Santa Claus not real, but your parents also lied to you to boot.
Oh, and not to mention the pressure, obligation, and financial strain of having to buy everyone a gift.
The Family You Are Born Into
I feel I have an advantage.
All my siblings are half-sisters and brothers. We all share a mother, but there are three fathers between us. I stand alone.
When I was eight years old, one of my brothers pointed out that I did not resemble any of my siblings therefore, I didn’t belong to any of them. He has apologized, I have accepted said apology, still that day jumps to the forefront of my mind too often.
From that experience I believed that anything other than full blooded was of less value. Consequently, I put no value in blood when calling someone family.
And with that, it has always been very easy for me to walk away when I was treated as anything less than.
The family you are born into isn’t always the family that you end up sharing your life with.
The Family You Choose
The family you choose is of far more value because they fit with who you have become. Which is the real you.
Growing up with someone creates a shared history. And yes, the memories can be wonderful and enrich a person later in life, but who we are as children is quite different from who we are as adults.
The family you choose knows the real you, not the one who was testing their boundaries and abilities, forming their beliefs and shaping their minds. The one who believed that everyone was good and had good intentions towards them because they were family.
The family you are born into sometimes disregards bad behavior for the sake of blood ties. The family you choose knows there is far more to the meaning of family than just that one element.
Blood may be thicker than water, but without water the blood cannot flow.
Holiday or Not to Holiday
If you do not have children or your children are grown, you might feel as I do. That holiday or not it’s still just another day in your life.
Halloween is easy to ride. Just leave your porch light off and you are good to go. Thanksgiving is about being thankful whether with blood relatives, your chosen family such as friends and co-workers, or just you and your honey, sharing a meal.
Which by the way we do all the time. So, don’t feel bad if you are alone whether by circumstance or choice on Thanksgiving. You can make a feast on any given day as well as giving thanks.
Christmas was so magical to me as a child. Until I noticed that Santa seemed to forget our house. I knew Santa wasn’t real. Worse than Christmas day was the following day when everyone talked about all the presents they received.
When my kids were little, I made Christmas as magical as I could for them. As a grandparent, Christmas is just about buying presents. Personally, I don’t need a tree, decorations, or presents for myself. It has just become another day for me.
If you have children, that’s another story. This post is for those whose children are grown or they happen to be child free. Not childless. One is by choice the other is not.
One Day a Year
Holidays can be wonderful if you have the right people to share them with. If not, holidays can be something to get through. But you got through yesterday and you’ll make it through tomorrow.
If you are alone, and don’t want to be, take heart, the holidays are just like any other day. Use the time to give yourself what you need: to be fed, appreciated, a presence valued, and loved.
Family, whether blood, or chosen, are all about the ordinary days. Time spent setting a foundation of trust and connection that a holiday won’t smooth over.
One day a year cannot wipe away poor treatment of or by your family whether born into or chosen. No matter how playful, thankful, or blessed you behave.
“What makes you happy doesn’t need to make sense to others.”
OurMindfulLife.com
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