What is an…
apology? An apology is a written or spoken expression of regret or contrition for a fault or failing. There are a million reasons why someone would feel the need to apologize.
However, there are a few types of apologies. The empty apology, a strategic one, and an apology by design. Oh, and of course a real apology.
That makes four.
The first three are not apologies at all. Rather, ways to avoid accountability. Either taught to be the correct response whether there is actual remorse or not, or manipulations designed to control.
Real apologies, what are those, Lol. No, seriously, real apologies come from a place of clarity: I messed up, hurt others or myself, and I will do the work necessary to change.
The receiver and possibly the one who accepts that apology is one who understands that humans are fallible and deserve some grace every now and then. Most importantly, that the offender is taking actions that support their claims of understanding and growth.
The Empty Apology
An empty apology is a collection of words spoken for the sake of keeping the peace. Saying them just to appease someone that you have hurt or offended.
This type of apology is without explanation or an understanding of what they have done. In fact, they do not believe that they have done anything wrong to begin with.
The apology will make the offended party like you again, be happy with you once more, and give you what you need. Until the next time. Which, if the receiver is paying attention, will reveal that the apology was in fact an empty one.
Saying you are sorry without changing your behavior is just throwing words out into the wind.
The offended will eventually learn your patterns and hopefully, someday flee this existence. Which is the illusion of someone who loves and cares about your heart while in truth is only interested in what you can give them with no intention reciprocating.
A Strategic Apology
The strategic apology is a game plan. For example, an apology given as a means to an end.
Say, the offender is going to do something that you won’t be happy with. They know it will hurt you. They proceed anyway. Because they know that when you find out, all they have to do is apologize and you will either forgive the offense or get over it, eventually. Either one is okay with them.
Each offense is like a transaction.
They do something to hurt you, you get an apology in return. And because you got something you should be happy. Right?
An Apology By Design
This type of apology is as old as time. You and your sibling are fighting, your mom comes into the room and demands that one or both of you say you are sorry…and hug for good measure. While she’s watching.
You look at one another rolling your eyes and say what you are told to say giving a cursory hug. Both of you are aware that each other’s apology is for your mom’s benefit. For the wronged it doesn’t feel that great to get a forced apology. Conversely, the one who should have apologized, the opportunity to learn, and grow as a person is gone.
We are taught the importance of apologizing rather than why we should apologize. The accountability, self-introspection, intuitive connection between what we have done and how it has affected someone else is lost.
So, when there comes a time when we will have to do it, and there will come a time, it is difficult for us because there is more obligation than understanding.
A Real Apology
A real apology comes from a place of knowing what it’s like to be disrespected, humiliated, dismissed, anything where you were not considered, loved for who you are, and did not feel safe to be you.
Once having experienced that, separating that pain from how you see yourself and consequently learning self-love.
Once hurt you learn to recognize distress in others. Having processed your pain and learned self-love you are better able to see what you are causing or may cause. From this place true apologies are given.
The other side of that is being better able to recognize those that are being deceitful, potential gaslighting, or sense that their energy is not what you want or need. Once you are in this state of knowing there is no turning back.
From this place true apologies are given.
It all comes down to this: treat others as you would like to be treated. And if you are being mistreated? Activate that self-love and treat yourself as you would like to be treated.
“The foolish neither forgive nor forget. The naive forgive and forget. The wise forgive but do not forget.”
Thomas Szasz (Born 1920), Hungary/USA
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