I used to skip…
calling my mom when I didn’t have anything to share. But isn’t that a sorry excuse because what if she had something to share? She rarely calls me. A generational thing. That’s okay with me. I consider it my daughterly duty to call her.
It must be said that I want to call her as she is my best friend.
Now I call her and start with, “I have absolutely nothing new to share, Lol, what’s going on with you? What did you do today?”
We always end up talking for a long time about a million things.
Life Is Not Like in the Movies
I love talking to her because not only is she funny, but our conversations sometimes lead to her childhood and teenage years.
We forget that our moms and dads were once children with a need to be seen and validated. That they used to be teens with a rebellious spirit and a need to still be loved despite all their angst.
She is in her eighties now, so I made it a point not long ago to ask her if there was anything that she wanted another human being to know. She shared heart-breaking details of traumatic events in her life.
As I listened to her the mom in me wanted to take her in my arms and shield her, protect her from her parents. From her life.
Life is not like in the movies. I cannot go back in time and take the blow, the brunt of the hurtful words, protect her from the thoughtless actions that sent her on a long and lonely path.
But I can listen.
The Child In You
You would think that seeing your parents in that light would allow you to see the child in you. Not necessarily. It’s harder than you think because as adults we believe that we must be strong, and we forget.
We forget that as children we could never have imagined where we are now. And as adults our memory has so many holes that it sometimes feels as if we are remembering someone else’s childhood and not our own.
That’s why it is so easy to mistreat ourselves. We believe, as adults, that there is no such thing as our inner child. We are blind to ourselves. If our inner child is not healed, it will remain in control of our adult mind and body.
Using my Mom as an example, she relives her pain too often. She has been unable to accept and let go of her painful past. She recounts her memories as if they happened yesterday and feels every bit of that pain within her body.
She forgets, however, to give herself credit for the strength and resilience that it took to survive her past.
Connecting the Two
I felt incapable of connecting the two when it came to myself. The things that happened to me were not who I was. The things I did to survive were not who I was anymore. But the facts are that everything happened in this one body and that child is still me.
I was that sweet little girl who loved to climb trees and pretend she was Tarzan.
I remind myself that how I remember things may not be how everything happened. Yes, I decided to let it go, long ago. Still, the past is within me in the form of that little girl.
The only way to become one is to acknowledge her as mine and treat her accordingly.
With a loving heart it is easy to advocate, take care of, and listen to the ones we love. Don’t forget that includes yourself.
Parents and Their Children
I call my mom almost every day whether I have something to share or not nowadays. But aside from asking how her day was, I listen to see if her heart is okay.
As children our parents will always be our parents. That means that we always expect them to be the strong ones. The ones who always have the wisdom, solutions, and strength to handle our lives as well as their own.
As a parent it’s easy to see a child when we look at our grown children because it goes by so fast. It’s a little bit harder to look at our parents and see that child because we don’t have a reference point. And it is even harder to remember the child in ourselves because we are not there anymore.
In learning how to see the child in my mother I was reminded to remember the child in me.
And it should go without saying that loving yourself is not limited to the good times when you looked your best, were the most confident, made the right choices, said the right things, had all the friends and the best job.
Loving yourself includes embracing every age, phase, size, mistake, bad decision. Loving yourself means loving ALL of you with tenderness, compassion, and forgiveness.
“You carry so much love in your heart. Give some to yourself.”
Unknown
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